|Teddy looking over a vast arable land of Mindanao|
They said patience is a virtue. But how does we really understand the meaning of this phrase if we didn't went through the grueling process of forbearing. Being a human is very difficult for me. Being the chosen one is another different story. Most of the time you will find me being alone thinking why I just couldn't be the same as everybody else? Don't I have any options for my own choosing? Why does God really treat my life differently from everyone? To an extend just for the sake of living a normal life I deliberately made mistakes. I'm just a normal human being like everyone, but God attention to me sometimes is overpowering. Yet upon mistakes made, He is still there.
I tell you it's really tiring, exhausting and fatiguing (I'm running out of words) being the chosen one. Peoples might think I'm crazy (maybe I am), but this is true coming out from my heart. I'm tired of living it. One time I thought that the test was over, but no, He decided that He didn't have enough fun of deciding things for me. Left me in tatters and I learn to pick up my life yet again. I don't know how long this will continue to be so. I reckon it will be for an eternity.
I simply can't choose my own life. I'm tired of everything really. It's just the same old story. Most of the time I'm thinking I'd better be dead then living. Life can be really nasty sometimes. Yeah, that is the honest truth of my feeling. I just want a simple life.. I just want to be like everybody else living it instead of playing God's role. But that decision is not for me to make. It's solely in God hands. I feel really guilty for those that encountered and cross path with my life. They were an enigma to me.. a tools to breaks me and I'm is their deliverance. It's an ugly feeling seeing how they'll pick up their life's afterwards. I don't want all of this. But it's not of my choosing.
This life I'm living in doesn't belong to me. It belongs to God in totality or absolute form. I can't make any choices at all, it's like I'm the main actor playing the God's scripts. It's full of drama, emotions, sometimes joy. Most of the time it's full of painful experience. The plot and story line that was written for me just illogical and my life is no where near logic. I'm tired of playing this role. Sometimes I feel like I want to be left alone. Nobody would understand this feeling except me myself. This is a very long process, a very long story line and I don't know where it will ends.
In living it I seek comfort through everything that I loves. The innocence of a child, intelligent conversations with anyone in a hope that they will utter some of God's words. Involved in sports activities such as going to the gym and most of all through reading, not to mention visiting world historical sites. It does take away the pain but the injured feelings lingers. I don't know what does God wants really from me. I can't decipher it. He writes it in a away for me to endure pain and see how the world goes, but I can't change it. I take my life on a daily basis to ease the fading away hopes on certain things that I want to do and loves with an understanding that what I want doesn't really matter. I just hope that He'd be gentle to me. I've no choice, I'm helpless and feel so small. Sometimes I feel angry and devastated. I've no choice but to make peace with this feeling. Patience is a virtue..